Thursday, January 19, 2006

Navel-Gazing

I know I said I'd write about similarities between Catholic and Charismatic thinking, but I also said I had to do work for my online classes. I have to admit that I slacked today, spending a lot more time on crossword puzzles instead.

Part of the trouble is that I've got a lot on my mind. I've got one semester of school left, and then it's off to work full-time. Will I find a job? Will I enjoy my job? With all that's riding on it, will I be able to establish a decent sleep pattern so I can get my work done and be on time? Teaching isn't like an office job where coming in late can sorta-kinda be made up for by staying later. Do it more than once or twice, and you're fired. Will I be able to keep up the pace of teaching three blocks each day for 180 days? What if I were to get married (I like to think that it's not completely out of the realm of possibility for someone like me); would I be able to support a wife and, later, kids? What should I do if my wife is able to make more money than I am?

I've always been told that I'm smart and talented. Book-smart, at least; I do some pretty dumb things from time to time, and as I mentioned recently, I often set new standards of obliviousness. I try to do the right thing, and I try to serve God through faith in His Son Jesus Christ with the help of the Holy Spirit. According to my sisters, their friends think I'm really cute. That there's a revelation which pretty much baffles me. I only every really thought of myself as attractive in sort of an ironic way; I gave myself the nickname "El Guapo" ("The Handsome One") as a joke in high school. I honestly have no idea if anyone I know is interested in me. My head would probably explode out of confusion if I did. In any case, I've got a lot going for me. Here's the thing: what should I do? Would it be wrong or a waste to find a good woman and settle down, being a light in my community? Should I try and become a doctor or lawyer or brilliant author? Most people want to be renowned and appreciated for things which they and only they bring to the table. Am I willing to merely influence a handful (or fewer) of people, rather than try for millions worldwide? Would I be an effective witness living an upper-middle class lifestyle, or would I be serving myself and trivializing my talents? I'm not a hero or prodigy; don't get me wrong. I just have many blessings and advantages which a lot of other people haven't received.

I'd like to get married, if it be within God's will. What kind of girl should I pursue, and when? Should I look for someone with similar gifts, or someone different?

I don't even know.

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