Friday, June 18, 2004

You Know What?

I don't like running from problems. Sitting and analyzing something to death while letting the opportunity slip away or the problem go by me I can do pretty well, but actively running doesn't work very well. Whenever I try, I end up turning around and going back around, either out of interest or a sense of determination/pride.

Despite acting like it sometimes (often?), I don't know everything. Some blogs take the approach of linking to other stories and opinions which they find interesting. Others write treatises on issues which are important to them. While I do some of each, the main way I use this blog is to work through my thoughts and expose them to light, hoping that people will point out things with which they disagree or tell me why they agree with things I've said. There hasn't been nearly as much of that as I'd hoped, but then, this isn't a huge blog, either. If you check my counter, I get something like fifty views per day, and at least a third of them are random search engine hits for things like "sexy naked Syrians" (those pictures were removed due to bandwidth restrictions...).

So, I was a little put out that I was saying things which were important to me but which apparently were not considered to be such by others. I wouldn't exactly say that I was airing my dirty laundry, but I was revealing some things about myself and my thoughts which would be hard for me to even tell to people who know me well. Given that some of those people read this blog, some of the contents of certain posts could even be embarrassing to me (though I've sometimes tried to either hide or distort identifying details so people won't recognize them). So, my thinking was that if I'm going to do that and not even hear if something I've said was right-on, despicable, or whatever, then there was no reason why I should open myself up to ridicule or even harm, and that the better move would be to simply blog anonymously.

Several people asked me for the URL of my new blog, which would kind-of defeat the point, I think. But, it did get me thinking. It would be a pain for me to disguise my style of writing, which is fairly distinctive (for one instance, there's way to much use of the singular first-person and of parenthetical remarks), especially given that I'd likely link to things from other blogs I read and they might come look and identify me. I also have to admit that I don't really like the concept of blogging anonymously. Given that about half of the people who've permalinked me have done so under my real name, I'm pretty sure that people know my true identity.

So, what now? Well, I'm not sure. Tearing down the blog because I'm afraid of what people may find out doesn't strike me as having been a very good idea. There are and will be people in my life from whom I can't hide things, as much as I might like. Also, and perhaps more importantly, I don't think that enough people are open. There are some topics that will never be discussed here, but there are plenty that should be. I've been helped numerous times by people sharing their thoughts on an issue or telling about things they'd done, learning what helped them succeed, figuring out why they failed, or simply realizing that I wasn't the only one who believed a certain way or had done or wanted to do something. And, I think we have something of a duty to share things we've learned with others, even if it may embarrass us. I mean, it may be icky to clean up after babies or those who are sick, but someone has to do it. For the longest time, I was embarrassed to think that people might not find out that I'd never gone on a date. I now have, but it took me a lot longer than many people I knew, and I've also learned that plenty of smart, attractive people my age or older still haven't. But, what I've figured out is that people who are worth listening to don't care whether or not I've kissed a girl, done drugs, or walked up the wrong side of an escalator (I've not done any of those).

My point? I like thinking, and I like blogging. I'd like to have more feedback, but that's up to you. The more I learn, the more able I am to post my thoughts. Especially in July, this blog will probably be nearly dead, but I may have two or three lengthy posts if something comes to mind. I'm not going to say that I'm "back," but I don't want to go out with just saying "buh-bye!" So, if I do close up shop, it'll be with a bang, whether that be ten days or ten years from now. I do appreciate the kind words from those who've already commented on the message I had up; we'll see what's next.

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