Tuesday, April 13, 2004
No, I'm not angry. I'm upset. Off-kilter. Off-balance. It doesn't happen to me very often, but when it does, it really takes its toll. It's the result of a bad positive feedback loop, where your fear of doing badly at something causes you to do worse and worse at it, all the while you're afraid of doing still worse and also fully aware of what's happening. My Junior year of high school, I had to give a speech before the entire school. I was fine during the speech, but several hours later, in the middle of a horn lesson, I just started shaking and couldn't concentrate at all.
Today, it was during rehearsal. I hadn't eaten much that day, had been playing atrociously at pool, and had done an intense practice session too close to the actual rehearsal, meaning that I'd blown my lip for a while. Thus, while the first 1 1/2 pieces sounded really good, I crashed and burned on the others. I'm the first chair horn, which means that when I mess up, everyone can hear it, of which I was aware. By the end of rehearsal, I was praying for us to get done with the music as fast as possible. Right now, I'm eating a big dinner and drinking a beer. Later, it's time for Swing dancing.