Monday, May 13, 2002

Okay, I've got a problem. A very large part of my being is telling me exactly what I ought to do with my life, and the remaining part is scared absolutely excrement-less by it.

Now, I want what most people want. I want a wife, kids, friends, a house, a good job that I love, and probably some hobbies and maybe a small garden in my backyard. I want honeysuckles growing on my back fence and daffodils in my front border by my porch. I want a car with hydraulics, too, but that's not important right now. I want to gradually rise in a natural progression to a respected position in my field, and die knowing that I did right and that everyone loves me. I like sleeping in a warm bed with nice sheets, being complimented on my looks or brains, and advising people when they need help. So far as I can tell, this is pretty much the American Dream, and is shared by everyone (well, some people want to shoot a president to impress Jodie Foster, which I do find somewhat hard to argue with, but moving on...).

Unfortunately, that's not what this rebellious part of me wants. That part is telling me to give up my nice clothes, give all my money to charity, and live an ascetic life. It tells me that marriage, while noble for some people, isn't my destiny and would hurt me in my attempts to achieve salvation. It's telling me to drop out of school and go work with my hands and preach the gospel (with words, if necessary, to quote St. Francis of Assisi). I've got many gifts, and I should use them to help the most needy.

I'm desperately trying to find the best way to be altruistic while doing the most good. It seems to me that with at least a bachelor's degree, and possibly a master's or doctorate, I could do a lot more. I don't really have a skill in trade right now, though I could learn one without too much trouble by joining the military or volunteering. I'm not entirely sure what I should do next, but until I do, I think I should keep on my current path. C'est la vie, non?

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